Rolling Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Blunt
by The Ultimate Ultimatum
Summary: Join Mario and friends in their quest for the mythical Thousand-Year Blunt in this stoner parody of one of my favorite games ever, Paper Mario 2: The Thousand-Year Door! Rated T for now, but I might move it to M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Rolling Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Blunt

Prologue: The Legend of the Thousand-Year Blunt

AN: This is a parody that's been floating around in my head for a long, long time. Can't believe I'm just now getting to work on it. Try listening to PM2's intro music while reading for best effect. And please, tell me what you thought. This is my first story in a while, and I'm still kind of trying to figure out what to do with it. Enjoy!

...COUGH, COUGH! That's some good stuff you got, man. Oh, right...

Ahem. Today, I'm going to tell you the story of the Thousand-Year Blunt.

A long ass time ago, in a strange and far-off land that apparently nobody can remember the name of, a bustling town thrived. It was a place where all the people lived happy lives, and it was said the town was very prosperous. This was due to the wonderful green plant that grew in abundance around the land. This plant was known as marijuana, or weed, or grass, or Mary Jane, or... you get the idea. The people smoked it freely, and everything was good.

But one day, tragedy befell this amazing place. A great catacylsm, can't tell you exactly what it was since apparently this story can be lacking details in certain places, struck the town and its people. Darkness filled the skies, and the earth roared and shook. It was as if the very world was coming to an end. And in but a single night, the town and all its fantastic herb sank into the earth.

Many joints were lit and smoked... Stories of the town passed into the pages of fairy tales and scripts of stoner comedies. And when the town's site no longer held any clues to its blissful foggy past, people gathered at that spot to build a new town.

Word soon spread among the people moving in... that an ancient city lay deep underground... and that a magnificent blunt, made of the finest weed ever grown, lay there.

Indeed... This is the tale of the fabled treasure of Rogueport. Yes, this is where it begins, in the crime-ridden shithole of a sea town that is Rogueport.

The tale of the quest for the legendary blunt... the blunt grown from the fabled millenium old weed... begins here.

Cut to Princess Peach, taking in the sights and various unpleasant smells in the central square of Rogueport. She seems not to be bothered by the gallows in the center either.

"Finally, a minute without that ancient fossil Toadsworth watch over me! He's so paranoid! I mean, we're only in a town called Rogueport that's teeming with scum and crime! For some ridiculous reason I thought this would be a good vacation spot, and he's so stifling!"

She took a look around at the various characters around her, including two Goombas exchanging money for a bag of white powder, a homeless Toad chugging a brown-bagged bottle of liquor, and a pissed-off looking Toad with an apron shrieking about losing her contacts.

"Although now that I'm here, this town certainly has its, uh... unique charms."

"Missy! Hey, missy!" an ominous voice called off to Peach's left.

"What?! You mean me?!" Peach exclaimed, taking a moment to register whether or not the voice was actually speaking to her.

"Yes, you, genius." Walking up to figure that the voice belonged to, it appeared to be a midget in a wizard's cloak with the face completely shrouded in darkness, who had a rug spread on the ground with a wide variety of drugs on display.

"Won't you buy something? Whatever your pleasure, I've got it. Want some weed? Acid? Mushrooms? Believe me, this ain't the kind of mushrooms you're used to!"

"Uhhh... Welllll..." Peach answered slowly, not sure which she should pick. "Wait a minute, are you seriously just peddling this in the open? You can do that?"

The cloaked figure sighed. "Yes, it's called ROGUEport for a reason, dim bulb."

"Oh, right." Looking over the wares, she noticed something the stood out-an ornamental box decorated with carved blunts and smoke patterns.

"Cool box! What's inside it?" Peach asked, pointing toward it.

"Oh, this?" The figure held up the box. "This is just where I usually keep my rollies. I mean, uh, it contains a map that shows the location of a legendary treasure. But the box has a magic lock that will only open to one with a pure and noble heart. I deal a ton of illegal substances, so yeah, doesn't do it for me."

"Ooooohhhh..." Peach muttered, her interest peaked.

"Tell you what though," the cloaked figure continued, "if you can open that box, you can have whatever's inside. I'm sure whatever's inside wouldn't be of any use to me."

"Why not?"

"Ugh, I don't know, okay? Just take the friggin' box and let's see what happens. Sheesh."

"Sure, why not?" Peach asked rhetorically, snatching it out of the cloaked midget's hands.

With a simple push, the box opened, and a burst of billowing white smoke poured out of the box, hotboxing the entire square, and everything became hazy...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Again?

Cut to Mario and Luigi's house. Parakarry, the Para-Koopa mailman, has dropped by to deliver a few letters to the brothers. As always, he tries not to laugh as he sees the huge "MARIO" sign out front in bold letters, and "Luigi" in tiny, barely legible writing on a small plank underneath it.

"MAIL CALL! MAIL CALL! MAIL CALL!" Parakarry screamed at the top of his lungs, just to be an asshole and wake them up. Moments later, Luigi burst out of the front door, foaming slightly at the mouth.

"Just… the flag… just use… the little flag on the side of the mailbox… instead of WAKING US UP EVERY MORNING!"

Cackling madly, Parakarry flew away as Luigi shouted empty death threats at him in futility.

Meanwhile, Mario was busy sitting at the kitchen table enjoying his routine wake-n-bake session, and took no notice of his brother as he walked in with the mail.

"Mario, mail came. If you could maybe detach your mouth from that bong for a moment, could you open them? I think I might go take a cold shower and contemplate my life situation."

"Uh… sure, alright then," said Mario as smoke poured out of his mouth, already miles away at that point.

"No, seriously, take a look. I think one of them is from the princess."

There were several moments of silence.

"….Princess _Peach, _Mario."

"Oh right, princess… Peach? Peach?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT ANOTHER ADVENTURE, I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE LAST ONE SAVING HER ASS YESTERDAY!"

"Sorry, it's your job. Guess you should get going." Luigi said, obviously not caring.

"No it's not, I'm a plumber!" Mario exclaimed, his eyes looking like small puddles of blood.

"When was the last time you fixed a leaky faucet, Mario?"

Several more moments of silence followed.

"Just give it here Luigi!" Mario demanded, figuring he should know what happened this time.

"It's already on the table in front of you, I don't have it."

"Oh yeah." Ripping the envelope open, Mario yanked out the letter and heaved a great sigh.

"Let's see what it is this time… good, she hasn't been kidnapped yet by Bowser… hmm… treasure map… some place called Rogueport… amazing mystical blunt… Toadsworth having bladder issues and won't stop complaining… wait a minute, _amazing mystical blunt_? Maybe it'll be worth it this time!"

"You mean saving her from Bowser isn't worth it for you?"

"You know what, Luigi? How about you saving her from that spiky-shelled bastard over… and over… and over. Sometimes I just get tired, Luigi. Sometimes I don't feel like rescuing. So why don't you see how you like it? Would you like that, Luigi? WOULD YOU?!" Mario was obviously nearing hysterics, so Luigi just shook his head quickly.

"Nope, no, I wouldn't."

"Didn't think so." Mario said in a shaky voice, leaning over to take another enormous rip off the bong.

"Oh yeah, that'll cure what ails ya. Well anyway, says here that this place called Rogueport-wait, Rogueport? Oh, that's just great. I can already tell the place is gonna be a barrelful of monkeys. I'll bet I'm gonna get mugged within an hour. Well, as long as they don't take my weed. Remember that time Wario took it and I was all like, hey man, where's my green gold?"

"Mario, get back on the subject. God, you always ramble so bad when you're high." Luigi sighed, long used to this happening.

"Right, sorry. Anyway, says here that apparently this map leads to greatest blunt ever rolled, and it's in this Rogueport place, and Peach wants me to help her find it. Of course, ancient mystical blunts couldn't just be somewhere closer, noooooo…."

"Well if that's true, you better save me a few hits, Mario." Luigi said this knowing that it probably wouldn't happen.

"Yep, sure thing. Anyway, best be on my way. Try not to burn the house down while I'm gone."

"Try to not let the door hit your ass on the way out."

"Yep," Mario answered, too high to be paying attention.

As Mario walked down the lane past his house, he suddenly realized he had forgotten the map at home.

"Here, Mario." Luigi tapped his brother on the shoulder, causing him to jump a foot high.

Luigi handed over the map his brother had been too stoned to remember, sighed, and then walked back towards the house.

"By the way, I'm gonna write my name in bigger letters so people will know I live here too. Seriously, what's up with those signs? Why is your name so much more prominent than mine?"

"Uh, I dunno. Anyway, bye. Gotta make it to the docks in time to catch my boat to… uh…"

Mario took a few seconds to re-read Peach's letter.

"Rogueport. Yep, that's the place. Bye."

As he watched his brother shuffle off into the distance, Luigi just sighed again.

**Later, at the docks….**

"What?! Whaddaya mean I don't have enough money?" Mario asked the captain of the strange wind-up boat that was bound for Rogueport.

"Sir, it's twenty coins. You've only got ten."

"Aw man, I knew I shouldn't have spent that money on a dimebag! Actually, I've still got some left. Can we just count that? Come on man, it's Purple Toad variety!" Mario reached into the pocket of his overalls and pulled out a small baggie of the herb.

Looking around to make sure nobody was watching, the boat captain quickly snatched it.

"Welcome aboard, Mr. Mario. Say, shouldn't you be off rescuing Princess Peach?"

"I'm actually about to quest for the greatest blunt ever rolled."

"Ah yes, the Thousand-Year Blunt. I've heard the stories. Well whatever, time to set sail."

After Mario had climbed aboard and settled down for a nap, he suddenly realized he was having a serious munchies attack, and thus spent the remainder of the voyage begging the captain for some chips.

AN: Alright, Mario will be getting his rouge's welcome next chapter. Man, I'm having fun with this. As always, let me know what you think.


End file.
